


4 Kinds of Awkward

by SuperRedRobin (SweetFanfics)



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU, DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Embarrassment, M/M, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-24
Updated: 2012-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-30 01:46:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/326401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/SuperRedRobin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim and Kon are in for the dreaded TALK. Unfortunately for them, from multiple people in their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	4 Kinds of Awkward

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SalekAli](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=SalekAli).



Kon leaned over to his left, arms crossed over his chest “Any idea what this is about?”

 

Tim shrugged, “I tried to ask Batman but he didn’t say anything except ‘Be there on time’.” He turned to look at Superboy, “I suppose you got nothing from Superman either.”

 

Kon snorted as he leaned back, “Every time I asked Clark he made up some lame excuse and ran away. I can’t imagine why they wanted us to come up to the JLA HQ though.”

 

Before Tim could reply, the door to the conference room slide open. Both teens sat up straighter as Batman and Superman walked in to stand before them. Batman’s face was tighter than usual and Superman just looked awkward. The teens shared a quick glance and just as quickly turned their attention back forward as Batman started to speak.

 

“I’m sure you both are wondering why we called you two here.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “A certain matter has come to our attention and we feel that it is time that we dealt with it. Its something that perhaps we should have dealt with many months ago but…”

 

Superman continued, “But we didn’t think it was much of an issue before.”

 

Tim’s brows furrowed deeply as he asked, “What exactly is this matter?”

 

Clark faltered and looked to Batman, the plea clear in his eyes. Batman seemed less than happy at having to answer the question. “It’s about the both of you.”

 

Tim turned to look at Kon, whose expression was mirroring his own - confusion, curiosity and a whole lot ‘huh?’. “What about us?”

 

“It has come to our attention that you two have been…” Now Batman looked like he had swallowed a lemon. “sleeping together.”

 

Kon’s face went as red as a tomato and Tim wasn’t sure of the pallor of his own face but it sure did feel really hot. Kon was spluttering as he tried to respond. “We’ve never-! Slee-! Who would say THAT? It’s totally _not_ true! We haven’t gone past second base!”

 

The look that was directed towards him clearly said ‘And lets keep it that way’ and made Kon let out a small, high pitched noise of distress as he attempted to become one with his chair.

 

Tim was trying to will his face to cool down (with little success) as he began to ask, “Who-” and then cleared his throat as his voice broke. “Who exactly told you _that_?”

 

“That is hardly important.” “It was Nightwing.”

 

While Batman turned to give Superman the sternest look he could manage with his cowl on, Kon let out a groan and face palmed and Tim made a mental note to have a talk with his blabbermouth ‘big brother’. “And what exactly did he say that we had been doing?”

 

“That is hardly relevant to this conversation Robin.” “That you’d been making out on the sofa in Titans Tower.”

 

Another groan from Kon as his head dropped down on the table. Another glare for Superman as he held up his hands, “What? They deserve to know the truth.”

 

Tim took in a deep, much needed, calming breath. And another for good measure. Kon was muttering something into the table. Tim looked up at the superheroes and tried to instill as much sincerity as he could into his next words, “That isn’t what happened. We hadn’t been making out or anything. We had just been watching a movie marathon and we just…fell asleep on the sofa. Nightwing came in the next morning, found us sleeping and assumed the worst.”

 

Clark visibly seemed to relax after the small speech but Batman was unmoved. “Regardless, it has brought up the need to properly educate you two about sexual matters.” Kon’s head shot up from the desk, his mouth open as though he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He looked at Robin, “Did he just-?!”

 

 _‘Oh yes he did.’_ was what Tim would have liked to reply except he was neck deep in mortification and terror and thus completely incapable of using his vocal chords. Clark took that opportunity to slip out while Batman brought up a presentation.

 

Kon let out a garbled noise which, at best, sounded like a high pitched squeak of distress at the graphics. Tim felt the heat in his face double and he twitched in place, wondering if he could spend the whole presentation with his head in his hands.

 

_*40 minutes later*_

_  
_

“Any question?”

 

Kon was sitting with the most stupefied look on his face, “I…didn’t even know most of that. I’m not sure if I _wanted_ to know all of that.” Tim could understand the sentiment because he rather felt like pouring some bleach into his ears in the vain hopes that it would reach his brains and wipe this conversation out of his head.

 

Batman ignored their shell shocked states before walking over to them. He turned Kon’s seat around so that he was directly facing the meta. He was looming over the extremely intimidated meta as he growled in his best Batman voice, “If I find out that any of your ‘activities’ are physically holding Robin back from performing at peak condition, I _will_ hunt you down.”

 

With eyes the size of dinner plates and an ashen complexion, Kon could only frantically nod. Tim however recovered enough to ask (in a very tart voice), “What makes you think that _I’ll_ be the receiver?”

 

Kon and Batman both turned to look at Tim. Kon was making frantic hand movements, gesturing for Tim to shut up while Batman seemed to be judging if Tim was speaking the truth. When he realized that Tim was serious, Batman was momentarily stumped.

 

He turned to look at Superboy, who was still signalling Tim to not aggravate Batman, and then back at Tim.

 

“Just don’t get him pregnant.”

 

Kon’s jaw dropped open at that. As Batman swept out the room, his parting comment was, “I’d never be able to explain _that_ to Clark.”

 

—

 

The pair was carefully avoiding eye contact. That was Superman’s first observation as he entered the room. He crossed his arms, sighed and started. “Frankly, I trust both of you to be responsible in this matter but its important to have proper knowledge of sexual acts before you engage in them.”

 

The Man of Steel looked highly uncomfortable now. “I had initially considered giving you the same lecture that I received but I sincerely doubt that ‘when a man really really likes a girl’ speech would be appropriate here. So I will simply ask you both to be responsible and to not rush into this. And to use condoms. And also remember to obtain proper consent.”

 

He looked at each teen carefully, hoping that his words would reach them.

 

“Oh and never have sex in the Batmobile. Or the Batcave. Or just try not to get on Batman’s bad side.”

 

There was a thunking noise as Kon let his head drop on the table again.

 

—

 

“Hey little brother! Hi Superboy!”

 

Nightwing’s smile didn’t falter in slightest at the chilly silence he was met with. He immediately bounced over to Tim’s side and attempted to hug the boy (even though he was seated). “Okay I _know_ that you’re mad that I spilled.”

 

“Oh you think?” There were ice cubes warmer than Tim’s tone. But Dick blithely continued, “But look at the bright side!”

 

Kon’s head was resting on the head as he dully asked, “There’s an upside to getting a 40 minute sex talk from Batman and the function and wonders of the prostate gland?”

 

“Absolutely!” Nightwing chirped as he pulled Tim up out of his seats before moving to tug Kon up as well. “I’m the bright side!”

 

Kon looked like he had swallowed a Kryptonite pill as he let himself be dragged out of the room. “I’m almost too scared to ask…”

 

Tim seemed to share the sentiment but he bit the bullet and asked. “What exactly are you planning?”

 

“A practical approach towards sex! Go change into your civvies. I’m taking you two to an Adult store!”

 

“WHAT?!” Screeched Tim and Kon

 

_*One long and awkward trip later. At Titan Tower.*_

_  
_

Tim and Kon were quiet as they sat together, a small bag of their ‘gifts’ sitting in between them.

 

“That was….educational.” Tim started.

 

Kon looked between shocked and surprised as he spoke, “I did not know there were so many types of lube. I really _really_ didn’t expect that. I mean…” he waves a hand in the air, “ _Who_ would need _that_ much variety?! Not mention all those…toys…”

 

Tim brought a hand up to cover his eyes, “Please don’t remind me of that. I want to forget that this day ever-“

 

“Lets get this over with!”

 

Tim’s head shot up, his eyes going wide as he watched the Red Hood walk into meeting room. “Oh GOD NO, this is NOT happening!” Kon’s eyes were darting from Tim to the new person in the room as he slowly asked, “Uuuh someone you know?”

 

Tim ignored Kon’s surprised cry and glared at Jason, “Don’t _tell_ me that you’re here to-“

 

“Right, lets just get this over with.” Tim’s expression went sour as Jason ignored him and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket. After quickly lighting the stick in his mouth and taking in a deep breath, he started to speak. 

 

“So you’re teenagers and you have a shit load of hormones that’re telling you to jump each other but seriously _don’t_. Not without condoms and a shit load of lube. And try not to get caught by Batman, which by the way, good luck with that.”

 

He pulled a small wrapped parcel out of his jacket and smacked it into Kon’s hands. “Have a happy sex life. Your welcome. Good bye.”

 

The couple sat for a moment in shock, suddenly understanding the phrase ‘like a hurricane blew through here’. After a few minutes of silence, Tim nodded at the package. “Whats in there?”

 

“Beats me.” The Super carefully held the brown-paper parcel up, shaking it lightly before checking it for any suspicious ticking noises. With a small helpless shrug, he carefully unwrapped the parcel. Tim shifted closer to get a look as Kon pulled the paper back. They found themselves looking at a brand new copy of _‘Bend Over! The Complete Guide to Anal Sex’_ nestled cozily inside the paper.

 

Kon gave Tim a slightly helpless look as he spoke, “There’s more than one book here.”

 

Tim hastily re-wrapped the package before shoving it into the bag next to him. “I don’t even want to know what else he got.”

 

“Do you think if we had told em that we’re gonna wait until you’re at least 18 before even thinking about having sex, it would have made a difference?”

 

Tim gave Kon a slightly helpless look of his own, “Not likely.”

 

“Well…on the bright side. At least its over and done with.”

 

—

 

The couple had been comfortably snuggling against each other against Tim’s bed, watching a zombie flick when they heard a sharp tapping against the window. Immediately on their guard, Tim pulled a batarang out of no where as he signaled for Kon to slowly pull the blinds up.

 

He held four fingers up as Kon gave him a nod, indicating that he was ready. Slowly, Robin dropped one finger after another and as the index finger curled up, Kon pulled the binds open! Tim’s held the batarang up high, ready to swing it at the intruder.

 

Instead they were very puzzled to find a lady dressed in pink spandex hovering outside the window. She rapped again at the window as she hollered, “Can you open up please? This harness is _very_ uncomfortable.”

 

Kon gave Tim a questioning glance and Robin nodded, “Open the window.” Kon cautiously unlocked and opened the window, warily eying the lady as she neatly stepped into the room. His eyes darted over the pale pink and white costume and dark, short cropped hair.

 

“Do we know you?”

 

She gave Kon a wide smile, “No, but I know of you two! And I’m here to offer you my help!”

 

“We don’t need any help. Of any kind.” Robin replied, batarang lowering slightly even though he remained ready to jump into a fight at the drop of a hat.

 

“Oh but I think you do.” She pushed her sunglasses up to the top of her head before suddenly whipping out a small package from only God knew where. She tossed the package at Kon, who caught it with his TTK.

 

“A little gift from me to you. Remember! The only way to have sex is having _safe_ sex!” She gave the shocked pair a cheeky wink, “Hope you like grape flavor!” and began to clamber out the window.

 

“Hey! Wait!” She stopped, turning her head back to look at Kon who asked, “Who _are_ you anyways?”

 

“Lady Condom. Crusader for Safe Sex.” She quickly got back into the harness as she spoke, “I wish I could stay but there’s other couples to visit and speak to! Have a good sex life!”

 

And in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

 

Completely stunned, Tim and Kon stared at the open window. The only sign that they had just entertained a highly unusual visitor. Well, that and the grape flavored lube residing in the small gift box.


End file.
